Smile!
(Links to other quote topics.)
"Balls" said Pooh, in an attitude a bit more forthright than usual.
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil."
"How's that?"
"Completely pointless." - Blackadder
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Ah'm thinkin'! . . . And muh head hurts. - Yosemite Sam
All my life I said I wanted to be someone ... I can see now that I should have been more specific.
Am I getting smart with you? How would you know? – Dilbert's Words of Wisdom by Scott Adams
An optimist is someone without much experience.
Any man can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment. - Robert Benchley
Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes.
That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.
Being a philosopher, I have a problem for every solution. - Robert Zend
Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business. - Dave Barry
Cheese - milk's leap toward immortality. - Clifton Fadiman
Chickens: the only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society. - Mark Twain
Confidence is the feeling you have before you understand the situation.
Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.
Drive carefully! Remember, it's not only a car that can be recalled by its maker.
Ed Okin: Are we under arrest or what?
FBI Agent: I think you fall into the 'or what' category. – Into the Night
Enjoy your job, make lots of money, work within the law. Choose any two.
Everyone is a genius at least once a year.
The real geniuses simply have their bright ideas closer together. - Georg Christoph Lichtenberg
Everyone is born with genius, but most people only keep it a few minutes. - Edgard Varese
Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.
Farnsdick's Corollary: After things have gone from bad to worse the cycle will repeat itself.
For you to be successful, sacrifices must be made.
It's better that they are made by others but failing that, you'll have to make them yourself.
- Rita Mae Brown
Genius may have its limitations, but stupidity is not thus handicapped. - Elbert Hubbard
Gumperson's Law: The probability of anything happening is in inverse ratio to its desirability.
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news. - Bertolt Brecht
Here's something to think about: how come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery?'
- Jay Leno
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. - W. C. Fields
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
We don't know, it's never happened.
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end. - Margaret Thatcher
I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
– Dilbert's Words of Wisdom by Scott Adams
I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
– Dilbert's Words of Wisdom by Scott Adams
I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. – Dilbert's Words of Wisdom by Scott Adams
I have great faith in fools ... self-confidence my friends call it. - Edgar Allan Poe
I have long been of the opinion that if work were such a splendid thing
the rich would have kept more of it for themselves. - Bruce Grocott
I know that there are people who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
- Tom Lehrer
I never make mistakes. I thought I did once, but I was wrong.
I think it's wrong that only one company makes Monopoly.
I used to wake up at 4 AM and start sneezing, sometimes for five hours.
I tried to find out what sort of allergy I had but finally came to the conclusion
that it must be an allergy to consciousness. - James Thurber
I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather.
Not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.
I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence.
There's a knob called 'brightness,' but it doesn't work. - Gallagher
If ignorance is bliss, why isn't the world happier? - Mark Twain
If it's the thought that counts, why are there fingers? - Winnie the Pooh
If my critics saw me walking over the Thames
they would say it was because I couldn't swim. - Margaret Thatcher
If stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out? - Will Rogers
If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask?
Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? - Scott Adams
If there is anything the nonconformist hates worse than a conformist, it's another nonconformist who doesn't conform to the prevailing standard of nonconformity. - Bill Vaughan
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer? - Steven Wright
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you'd find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from
'The Beverly Hillbillies.' - Dave Barry
I'll be more enthusiastic about encouraging thinking outside the box
when there's evidence of any thinking going on inside it. - Terry Pratchett
I'm an optimist, but I don't think it helps.
I'm easily satisfied with the very best. - Winston Churchill
I'm sick of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later. - Mitch Hedberg
In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.
Is it because light travels faster than sound that some people appear bright until they speak?
Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?
Is the fear of flying groundless?
It has been said that man is a rational animal.
All my life I have been searching for evidence which could support this. - Bertrand Russell
It is a well-documented fact that guys will not ask for directions. This is a biological thing.
This is why it takes several million guy sperm cells, each one wriggling in its own direction,
totally confident it knows where it is going, to locate a female egg, despite the fact that the egg is,
relative to them, the size of Wisconsin. - Dave Barry
It's always darkest before dawn.
So if you're going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that's the time to do it.
It's not so much that I want to succeed in life; it's just that I don't want to fail.
I've had a wonderful evening. This wasn't it, but I've had one. - Groucho Marx
Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Man's greatest inventions were touted to save mankind time and allow him to make more money. Today we work longer, make more money, keep less of it. But I am told tomorrow will be better.
Misery no longer loves company. Nowadays it insists on it. - Russell Baker
Modem: how a Southerner asks for seconds.
Murphy's First Law: Nothing is as easy as it looks.
Murphy's Second Law: Everything takes longer than you think.
Murphy's Third Law: Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.
Murphy's Fourth Law: If there is a possibility of several things going wrong,
the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.
Murphy's Fifth Law: If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.
Murphy's Sixth Law: If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which a procedure can go wrong and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.
Murphy's Seventh Law: Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
O'Toole's Commentary on Murphy's Law: Murphy was an optimist.
My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
Natives who beat drums to drive off evil spirits are objects of scorn
to smart Americans who blow horns to break up traffic jams. - Mary Ellen Kelly
Nobody believes the official spokesman but everybody trusts an unidentified source. - Ron Nessen
Nothing makes a person more productive than the last minute.
Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something,
wearing stripes with plaid comes easy. - Albert Einstein
People who claim they don't let little things bother them
have never slept in a room with a single mosquito.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday. - Don Marquis
Progress might have been all right once, but it has gone on too long. - Ogden Nash
Red meat is NOT bad for you. Now blue-green meat, THAT'S bad for you! - Tommy Smothers
Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either. - Joseph Fischer
Sometimes the majority just means all the idiots are on the same side.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. - Fred Allen
The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right
there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong. - Andy Rooney
The best argument against democracy
is a five minute conversation with the average voter. - Winston Churchill
The certain proof that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe
is that no one has bothered to make contact with us.
The more things change, the more they remain ... insane. - Michael Fry and T. Lewis
The only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he's a baby. - Natalie Wood
The reason why worry kills more people than work is that more people worry than work.
- Robert Frost
The time to relax is ... when you don't have time for it. - Sidney J. Harris
They certainly give very strange names to diseases. - Plato
They say love is around every corner. I must be walking in circles.
This planet is obviously being used as an insane asylum by other planets. - George Bernard Shaw
To err is human; to really foul things up requires a computer.
Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.
- Albert Einstein
Vegetarians eat vegetables. Beware of humanitarians.
Vinylocity: the strange atmospheric force that makes the shower curtain
blow towards you while trying to shower.
We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse ....
We've heard that a million monkeys at a million keyboards
could produce the complete works of Shakespeare;
now, thanks to the Internet, we know that is not true. - Robert Wilensky
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce. - Mark Twain
What's another word for thesaurus? - Steven Wright
When it comes to procrastinating, I do it right away.
When they put Unknown at the end of a quote it means
they probably don't know how to spell anonymous.
When will the rhetorical questions end? - George Carlin
Whenever anyone says 'theoretically' they really mean 'not really.'
Whenever I dwell for any length of time on my own shortcomings,
they gradually begin to seem mild, harmless, rather engaging little things,
not at all like the staring defects in other people's characters. - Margaret Halsey
Why was the blonde so happy when she finished the puzzle in three months?
On the box it said 3-6 years.
You can fool too many of the people too much of the time. - James Thurber
You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it. - Henny Youngman
Be Yourself Dollars and Sense Don't Give Up Duh! Education/Experience/Etc.
Friendship, Love, and ... Good Wishes Huh? I Feel Better Now ...
In the beginning, God ... Life ... An Owner's Manual Mental Health
Ouch! Silence is Golden Smile! Take Courage